I haven’t been able to write as much lately. 換工作後, 每天都在讀時事, 在寫分析報告. When writing becomes your everyday, it becomes harder to write for yourself, 靈感也會受影響. 這次回台灣, 回家, 讓我有重捨紙筆的衝動.
我, 為何寫作, 簡單而言是為了表達某種情緒也是為一種興趣. 卻也不只如此. 寫作是一種推理與邏輯的探索, 為了鋪陳敘事加以分析, 探討處世間的議題,考驗. 但當然也可說這是自私的行為, 只是要說想說, 沒洞察是沒人想聽, 浪費時間的. 這是我對寫作的理解, 我思考的演變, 是隨著成長, 多年的練習, 寫出的淺見. 我對文字還是只略懂皮毛, 寫作也就平平如此, 話語上也一直不擅表達情感. 最終還是只好用寫.
Honestly, I don’t even know how it started or why I started. English was not even my native language. I wasn’t entirely comfortable in it until middle school, and yet, that was precisely when I started writing poetry. It was like putting together a puzzle. I liked the intellectual challenge, I liked to become good at things that I’m not good at. I wanted to prove to myself that I can. First, how do you convey how you really feel without saying a lot? 這可能跟文化背景有關吧? My grandpa was a man of few words from what I remembered. It pains my heart to think that I can’t remember as much, considering I wrote my college essay about him.
結果, 詩詞寫得越多, 我越想寫一些散文. 高中時, 碰到了兩位非常好的恩師, Ms. Wong 和 Ms. Atsbury. 不僅讓我了解如何去用判斷性的思考, 也同時讓我英文文筆突飛猛進. 當然, 因為不是母語, 還是有瑕疵. 而當時, 如果要用中文寫作根本不可能. 讀可以畢竟是母語, 但諷刺的是英文已經夠難了, 我無暇思考如何運用某種程度上, 更難的母語. I had no idea how to even make it flow together and it reflected in how I was – confused. As a third-culture kid, I struggled with my cultural identity and language is such a big part of culture. 面臨的是內心不停的抗爭, 我不知道如何去擁有去 assimilate and harmonize the disparate and opposite perspectives. 所以個性也有點極端, 黑白兩面.
在人生中, 第一次回故鄉居住, 回到老家, 認識了台灣, I got to know a bit more about where I came from. I started to see myself from a different perspective and find my peace. Sure, I still didn’t belong anywhere, 但學到如何屈伸, 也得到了渴望已久, 更為成熟的親情. It’s a sort of recognition I wanted from both my grandmothers, that I belong, 也得到幾位大哥的照顧與認同. 家人讓我有根生的感覺. It became acceptable to be different because they love me anyway. I will always be 阿福聯. 回去兩年, 收益良多.
In my life of twists and turns, 我沒想到我現在可以用中文. I turned to experimenting with writing in Chinese six years ago. I started to incorporate pieces of it into my work – something more representative of the amalgamation that is me. Spoken word became more of a medium I explored. 從 “三歲離開台灣” 到 “回家“, 每一篇都是我獨特的中西合併, 語言摻雜的作品. Again, it functions as a mental puzzle. Every rhyme, every cadence was a hurdle to overcome. 如何讓中英押韻, not just random add-ins, 一種和平的共鳴, like the peace I started finding. I know, from all the people I met, 也有很多人像我, 文化背景混亂. In some respects, I hope I am showing them ways they didn’t know, to express that’s it’s ok to be a kaleidoscope of things. We all carry pieces of places and people we have been. If I can move you, just a little, 那也算值得了.
This is why I write.