All posts tagged: Memories

The Years

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On the windowsill, my cat sits staring back at me — staring deep into the dark blue abyss of the night sky lit up by the skyscraping lights. I cough, he blinks. It isn’t a flinch but a look of curiosity at his sick man, feeling the icy chill of a wildfire spreading in his body. I should turn on the lights but I can’t. I couldn’t, bedridden alone. My mind is filled with foggy, gray memories of times long past but shouldn’t dreams be in color? I remember being eighteen gazing with wonder at the green plains, the first snow on the lawn just before dawn, ready to be carved by hands and shoes. Yet somehow, the memory of those years stops there. Just the pristine white snow. Next thing I know, I was in the shower, head down and angry. Angry and sad. Sad and broken. Or was it unfulfilled? I do not recall.  The mind fog carries me through the next ten years. There was the heat and the humidity somewhere in …

Ramblings

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In the dark of the night, under the faint city lights, my fervent thoughts whisper through my alcohol-soaked mind. My thoughts scream; nightmares that remain primordial and waiting to unveil. They linger, throbbing in the ebb and flow of my breathing. Deep inhale; a slow exhale creeping into focus. My thoughts chatter; an intricate description of a tomorrow with loved ones and passion projects to be. The futures I want to achieve, the verses I want to shape for my creative works – all dancing on the edges of my periphery and begging to be captured. Is it hate or regret? Is it hope? All I know is change. All I have is change. Two weeks here; a month there. I know you. I don’t know you. A fellow foreigner in a strange land but you left, just like the others, yet again. It’s restless. We both know how we must struggle to make a stand, to claim a place amongst the supposed numerous opportunities. We are framed. A year has passed. I chose to …

面對自己的過去

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一個人處理事情的方式, 往往會受到過去經歷過的事影響 一個人的個性也如此 二十幾年來我沒有清楚的認知到底為什麼我會這麼沒有安全感 這麼害怕失去 讓我沒有辦法好好對待自己與我愛的人 因為我沒辦法接受空間也因為覺得會被拋棄而容易失去自信 與一位好朋友的對話讓我第一次如此清醒地了解到我的問題 1993年 當年我媽帶著我和妹妹們去上海找我爸 那時候我也已經有大概有半年到一年沒見過我爸 在好不容易全家團聚不久後 我卻又一個人被送回台灣 因為我爸有回台灣工作的可能而我也需要上小學了 所以只有五歲的我就被先送回去 雖然說我跟我姑姑一起住 我在她當老師的學校上課 可是她很忙 我的同學也一放學就回家 於是我常常就只能一個人 那時候 印象最深的就是一個人自言自語 玩石頭抓蚯蚓抓昆蟲 還有在課堂上莫明其妙大哭 說要找我媽 從那時候我就開始覺得我一直是一個人 很需要別人的愛與關懷但是又得不到 就算身邊有家人有朋友也一樣 覺得沒有人懂我需要什麼 當然我家人都很寵我而且我又是長子長孫 我也很愛也很感謝大家 但是那麼小就與爸媽分離的我 在需要與妹妹們分享注意與關懷的情況下 已經完全失去了安全感 而也深深影響到我之後與朋友的關係 國中高中到大學也如此 但我根本沒察覺 只是無謂的一直生氣和破壞建立起的自信 我現在覺悟 我也希望改 不然對事業對愛情對家人我都是不可能做到最好 也無法為身邊的人帶來快樂 那 你們的故事是什麼?