This is way overdue. I had intended to put some ink to paper in January. This year, I want to try something different. I want to write in my natural state of mind, so my English readers, please bear with me as I switch to my inner bilingual universe.

這兩年應該算是我這一生中最tough最低潮的 period. Getting laid off without any notice or any support 是我想也沒想過的結果. The whole team in New York basically disappeared. 剩下的那位 I’m not going to talk about. If you know, you know.

My personal life also changed pretty significantly. 住了7年半的家也搬了. I basically got forced out 因為房東想把房子收回. Yet, there was a verbal agreement that because they wanted me out as soon as possible, I can cut my lease short as soon as I found an appropriate place. 但搬的時候卻被要求要 finish the lease terms. I ended up paying two rents for two months. 最後連 security deposit 也不還我. This was after providing a glowing tenant recommendation to my new landlady. 我把 apartment當成自己家照顧 but this was how I got treated after being a model tenant for 7 years. Sometimes, life gives you lemons 以為關係好的 可能只是 illusion.

Along the way, 我的確迷失了很多自己的事. The person I wanted to be, the changes I made to who I am. 自己在外面十幾年的成長卻 rapidly declined. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I’m looking at in the mirror. 老了頭髮少了 less smiles more furrowed brows. 也有醒過來的時候 但常常又好像太遲 身邊的人好像也不相信 我是那個 easy going, flexible, and supportive 時時都歡樂的人.

I want to say I tried my best 卻又好像在說謊. 也有放錯焦點 putting my effort in the wrong places. 壓力讓我越來越急, but I forgot, the more pressure the more relaxed you got to be. 不然真的會斷成兩半. I want to say sorry, but 我到底要跟誰道歉? 到頭來 it is myself that I need to apologize to. How did I let myself fall so far?

現在 我連滾帶爬 以當年 fall down seven get up eight的態度 試嘗找回好的狀態 back to a state of improvement. I want to be exactly who I set out to be all those years ago. 穩. There was a time a couple years ago 我差點找到 my personal nirvana. 簡單 從容. 人會變 that’s never going to change. 2026了. 第一季也快過了. I found what I found, and I know where I want to go and where I want to be. Who I want to be. 還有沒有時間 only life knows. 我沒有盡力, but I hope I am now focused. 從現在開始 認真改變. Somethings are sure, even if they are unsure. 沒關係. Roll with the punches as Dan and Nathan used to say.