All posts tagged: Reflections

Reflections 2024-2025 Part 2

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English-only content today. I realized something while I was in the gym. Since my teenage years, I have known one of my biggest personal challenges was my impatience. Case in point, my violin skills never developed the way ten years of private lessons would have suggested. I don’t know if it was the need for instant gratification or the need to prove myself, but I focused my energies on fast. Track and field, basketball, video games – clear objectives with quick-to-see progress bars. You sink enough practice time, you will see your sprint times improve. Practicing crossovers, dribbles, and shots – it was still a lot of hours but it didn’t take long to see results. It was the outward manifestation of my inner impatience and need to prove myself. I don’t think I was ever…grounded. I was always in a rush, chasing one thing or another. That did give me the ability to react quickly to situations. Fast forward half a lifetime of experiences, I knew that I wanted to be more grounded, steady, …

記

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I’m a mad man traversing this wasteland. The sun scorches with invisible thermals that even birds burn. 一步一步 screams of mental anguish, 荊棘遍體 binding all the things I carry. 沒想過黑暗也可以是豔陽. No shadows but they drag on long and dark from my heart. I’m mad, burned by circumstance, burned by undernourishment, burned by 沙漠夜裡的冰風. 不一定要山脈才有peaks and valleys. Desolation of this desert wasteland produces the same whipsaw of edges. Jagged, 我還是向前走, I need to and I want to. Eyes up 我不在乎腳底, 我的心輕盈, 望著飄在遠方的雲. They are beckoning. 是不是有久未降臨的甘露? I don’t know 也沒有期待. I’m gazing towards where I need to be. Where I hope to be. 一切也不過如此 midway through this journey we call life 我並不迷失, having walked beyond the dark forest. 但我承認我還是會怕, 怕我看到曇花一現的 mirage. 我嘗過的甘露 might just be there beyond the horizon, under the cumulus. I can just feel the zephyr 安撫著傷疤, 帶走內心的 anguish. 就算真的是海市蜃樓 the clouds will still be there. 我也還是會繼續, 我不可能放棄 as I figure out how to shed these things that I carry.

Reflections 2024-2025

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This is way overdue. I had intended to put some ink to paper in January. This year, I want to try something different. I want to write in my natural state of mind, so my English readers, please bear with me as I switch to my inner bilingual universe. 這兩年應該算是我這一生中最tough最低潮的 period. Getting laid off without any notice or any support 是我想也沒想過的結果. The whole team in New York basically disappeared. 剩下的那位 I’m not going to talk about. If you know, you know. My personal life also changed pretty significantly. 住了7年半的家也搬了. I basically got forced out 因為房東想把房子收回. Yet, there was a verbal agreement that because they wanted me out as soon as possible, I can cut my lease short as soon as I found an appropriate place. 但搬的時候卻被要求要 finish the lease terms. I ended up paying two rents for two months. 最後連 security deposit 也不還我. This was after providing a glowing tenant recommendation to my new landlady. 我把 apartment當成自己家照顧 but this was how I got treated after being a model tenant for 7 years. Sometimes, life gives …

Ready/Unready

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Can you ever truly say that you are ready? What does it mean to be ready? I thought, I always thought, it means that you have prepared for scenarios. You have practiced, trained for what is coming. Yet, what is coming? Life, never comes in a straight line. When has a significant event in your life ever been something you can practice for? Everything, despite lessons from history, is unique when it occurs. As they say, “the only constant is change”. A reinterpretation, recombination, reformation of what we already know leads to something unexpected. Sometimes, you really do encounter something you never have before. I know I have many times. (Am I lucky or unlucky?) So how can you be ready? Perhaps being ready is a mindset. It means you recognize you are unready but you have the ability to adjust accordingly. Yet, how do you know you have the ability to adjust to something you have never encountered before? Maybe, we are all and always unready. Ready is just a framework in hindsight. When …

Why I Write

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In my life of twists and turns, 我沒想到我現在可以用中文. I turned to experimenting with writing in Chinese six years ago. I started to incorporate pieces of it into my work – something more representative of the amalgamation that is me. Spoken word became more of a medium I explored. 從 “三歲離開台灣” 到 “回家”, 每一篇都是我獨特的中西合併, 語言摻雜的作品. Again, it functions as a mental puzzle. Every rhyme, every cadence was a hurdle to overcome. 如何讓中英押韻, not just random add-ins, 一種和平的共鳴, like the peace I started finding.

The Years

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On the windowsill, my cat sits staring back at me — staring deep into the dark blue abyss of the night sky lit up by the skyscraping lights. I cough, he blinks. It isn’t a flinch but a look of curiosity at his sick man, feeling the icy chill of a wildfire spreading in his body. I should turn on the lights but I can’t. I couldn’t, bedridden alone. My mind is filled with foggy, gray memories of times long past but shouldn’t dreams be in color? I remember being eighteen gazing with wonder at the green plains, the first snow on the lawn just before dawn, ready to be carved by hands and shoes. Yet somehow, the memory of those years stops there. Just the pristine white snow. Next thing I know, I was in the shower, head down and angry. Angry and sad. Sad and broken. Or was it unfulfilled? I do not recall.  The mind fog carries me through the next ten years. There was the heat and the humidity somewhere in …

Flowers for Algernon – Knowledge and Distrust

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Where do I even begin to discuss this book? With everything that has happened over the course of my life, the impact now is more profound than if I read the book any earlier than I did. To put it simply, it is about the journey of a man who undergoes an operation that lifts him from ignorance to knowledge. The book contains a multitude of themes I have yet to ruminate over, but here I want to discuss the issue of knowledge breeding distrust. As Charlie becomes smarter, he wants to learn more to know more about himself. Through that process he realizes that the people around him all have something to hide; they all have imperfections. He becomes ashamed of himself as well, because of his own past and imperfections. His coworkers at the bakery, though they take care of him, laugh at him because of his lack of mental acuity. The professors who performed his intelligence enhancing operation are not motivated by his well-being but rather their own professional advancement. His mother …

Phasing

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It nervously splinters the patient silence At times ready to thrash through the underbrush But it does not Cutting a slow fade in the setting (rising?) sunlight Its soft steps crunch the dried leaves and twigs Whispering nothings and everything Glancing to and fro for its bearings Always moving forward to that place Both known and unknown Composed of a past and of a future Under the faint moon just appearing (disappearing?) in the sky Pushing through the vegetation Though not quite leveling or clearing Its trail is at once masked by the grass Just tall enough to obscure Yet marked enough by the diverging (converging?) celestial lights One behind One ahead It follows as it leads Each step is its own opening note To unlocking the music of that patient silence Holding things unheard Holding things yet to be heard Despite the silence draping a veil on its path It steadily continues on Firm enough to know how far it has come Gently enough not to disturb the serenity Lest it unleashes the chaos …

Letters on Tues(Thurs)days – Departures

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Dear Wilton, The shift in delivery from Tuesday to Thursday has been unintentional. With the holidays coming up, my schedule has been packed full, both inside and outside of work. In many ways holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, are about reunions and returns, however I wish to take up the topic of departures. It is the opposite side of the same coin; to return and reunite means that you are departing from somewhere, some place you currently are. Therefore, it is not necessarily an unrelated or opposing topic. Finally, I am sure it is a poignant topic for you, as our family returns to Taiwan after 20 years abroad. It is always hard to imagine leaving a place for good, or even for a few years. You might not know it, but bonds are easily developed and can quickly thicken. Like roots, they hold you in place and they want to hold you in place. Yet, you will find as you approach and finally go into your twenties, departures become more frequent. The bonds you develop …

Letters on Tuesdays – Thanksgiving

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Mom and Dad, circa 1988? Dear Wilton, In light of the recent world events, it is a good time to reflect on something more positive as Thanksgiving is here. Perhaps, to you, it is just a prelude to a long winter holiday. I remember those days when I was your age. Thanksgiving, as an American tradition, held no meaning for our family. However, since coming to the States and having spent several Thanksgivings with my dear friends and their families who hosted me, I learned that it is indeed a good thing to have a day set aside to reflect on the positive. Every year, every day, every second something can easily go wrong. Sometimes it can go so wrong your life depends on the next move you make. So, it is because of this exact unpredictability and fragility that we should celebrate gratitude. I will keep it simple today. Let us remember to thank those who came into our lives. Let us reflect on the beauty of the natural world and all the positive …